Change and Loss
Change is a common feature of human existence yet causes so many problems for people. Perhaps more accurately, it is the fear of change, the uncertainty around change, that causes the problems. Human beings like certainty and like to stay with what they know, their ‘comfort blanket.’
My biggest fear is stagnation, staying the same and slowly rotting away, my world and my outlook becoming smaller and smaller.
If we want to grow and develop as human beings, as people, we have to change. It is only by changing that we can grow, that we can be stretched and achieve things we didn’t think we could. It follows that it is only by growing that we can live life to the full, ‘sucking the marrow’ out of life as one acquaintance rather viscerally put it!
Yet, therein lies the nub of the predicament we all face. Change, any change, implies ‘loss’ – loss of what we once knew, of what was familiar and comfortable. All change promises new beginnings, progression, a better and more rewarding and fulfilling existence, but equally all change involves loss, and loss implies grieving what we once had, but have no more. Guilt and regret are also commonly involved in making change – were we right to make the change, has it harmed us and those around us, can we ever return to what we have lost?
Moving from addiction to recovery is a prime example – what once worked in the beginning quickly, or sometimes slowly, but nevertheless inevitably, becomes a foe that suffocates us, that consumes us and our very being, squeezing the life out of us (and, by the way, those around us who we once loved and still profess to love, even though the substance has become the true love, the ‘other person’).
Losing a job is similar – what was once familiar and gave us our identity and status in life (think of how we introduce ourselves to each other – “what do you do for a living?”) has been torn from us and we wonder who we are, what worth do we have now if we have no job, how can we afford the outward display of conspicuous consumption that is a feature of modern life.
It is a complicated subject and being able to talk through thoughts, feelings and emotions, fears and uncertainties, can help focus one-Self on what is important to each of us. This will be different for different people, for we are all unique individuals, not composite, lookalike figures from one mould. Counselling can be of help in allowing us to work through these fearful, uncomfortable moments – ultimately, teaching us how to sit safely with uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions and thoughts.
We all have the responsibility to make meaning and purpose out of our lives. After all, we only get one chance.
